...I can't find a wall ...

…I can’t focus to work…. I can’t rest… obviously I can write, though I am not sure that what I say will make sense… …It is not the first time that I get trapped in this state …


...I close my eyes…but I still see the pictures coming through my mind…and somehow the ear phones and the richest voices and sounds of the biggest orchestra are failing to silence the violence and the injustice …I am losing all my defenses ….

…one of the great benefits of studying medicine… and working around the sick people….is that it set the threshold of the worst that could happen at a very high level…somehow …there was always something worse than whatever happens… even this idea is not working any more…

...I, the master of denial, I can’t find a wall to hide inside…too much violence…too many people dying…too much fear…too many people talking about it as if it was an action movie… not real life…. It is very exhausting….even trying to ignore it becomes very exhausting… ...there must be a way…to find my neverland…just like Ophelia… I will close my eyes and see the day where everything will be just fine…
...this day will sure come… I know

…probably

…. may be  

the continuous pursuit of the non-existing

Dear friend…

It has been very long since the last time we talked together…I really hope you are doing very well in your life…you deserve the best...for countless times I said I will pick up the phone and call… but I don’t…I simply don’t have the right to do so…I can’t just show up in your life…say a couple of words… and then disappear again… as some say…every life is written by God…I think the things that I want to do and can’t are simply… not written… or not meant to be… …

after all we didn’t know each other for long… I keep saying that what I knew is enough…how kind and trust worthy you are…how you remember and how you care to do very simple things because you know how they can be the only good thing in someone else’s life… …may be my subconscious didn’t want to know anything further… I can’t imagine that one day I will find myself face to face with a fact or a truth about you that’s different from what I believed…it is selfish from me… I know… putting all the projections and the expectation on you… but somehow… in the middle of all this …lies a truth… I mean the gap between your truth and the truth that I believe cannot be that big…. …


what I have doubts about is wither you knew my truth or not…because in most of the times when I look back at the things that I did or said…I could see all the possible interpretations of my behavior which are very logic… yet not true…like when I get sick and need to leave to rest…I never admit that…I tell any other excuse… I may even remain silent and let the people believe what they want to believe ….and I am saying it now because I know that the chance that you might read this is next to null… …any way…

I wouldn’t matter now… I am afraid I am starting to talk non sense…


I am not sure if I made my idea clear... I will stop now before going through a psychotic attack …. my fingers are already numb…


From : the continuous pursuit of the non-existing 

Ofelia ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ2Pswx2yeQ


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoN56mHkSJw

Ofelia… …though I listened to the music over a thousand times… I watched the movie only once…and it was about three years ago …so I am not sure if I got the idea or the philosophy of the story right… somehow I identified with Ofelia… the girl who was living a fantasy life…a life that she imagined and drew on the white pages of a blank book…which, too, could have only existed in her mind… a virtual life to live when real life is intolerable…even if our fantasies turn against us…we shall not give up on them…because when Ofelia did… and went back to real world … she died …. that could be so far away from the story... but that is what found an echo in my heart ...

متى سكن القلق نفسى؟ يقولون أن كل ما يحدث سببه القلق ... كل هذه الأعراض ... و لكن يصعب التصديق... لأنى لا استطيع ان اجد السبب... حياتى هى حياتى ...و أنا نفس الشخص الذى كنته الامس ... و من عشر سنوات مضت ... أذكر انني مررت بأسوأ من ذلك... و صمدت... اتراه عقلى الباطن يحجب عنى السبب لشدته؟ و لكنى لم اعتد الهرب من المواجهة... احترفت الانكارdenial   …طريقتى فى التعامل مع المشاكل التى لا حل لها لكنى أبدا لم أهرب... أبحث عن الاجابة فى أحلام اليقظة...فى أحلامى...المحتملة أو المفزعة ...فى كل لحظة يتخلى فيها العقل عن سيطرته...و أعود دائما بمزيد من القلق   ...  

...movie...

….a simple living room… a person continuously watching the one and only source of light in the room… the laptop screen … it is getting hard to focus…all the energy is consumed chasing the moving letters …the temptation to leave everything and rest is strong… but the stress is stronger…besides…after all this coffee sleep was not an option… …we watch the movie… we understand ... we sympathize…we feel sorry for this person…we hope that one day things will end fine and all the stress would go away… we the ones who are watching the movie… the ones who have the privilege to know the truth… but not the other persons in the story…for they don’t know the truth…they don’t try to know it… and when they do…the refuse to believe it…. …I have always loved watching movies…specially the good ones…specifically the Clint Eastwood ones as they give us a true experience for free …besides … as I viewer… I am in the privileged position …a position that no one can afford to have in real life …

….collapse … (2)

… The man with no name… no memory….escapes the guy who came to kill him….injured he went to the one person who knew him from before the accident….unlike the doctors who diagnosed him as a case of post traumatic amnesia/ schizophrenia…she believes he is telling the truth… he went to her house to take the papers he had left with her… no time for nice welcoming words…he yells “ I need the bag ….quickly” …she listened …and as she came back she found him lying on the floor… it must be the blood loss that made him so nervous….irritability …one of the first signs of shock….his adrenaline kept him moving until he reached that house…then it wore off…he dropped off his guard…only then his mind allowed him to let go and faint….for just a moment...a stress free moment….despite everything I envy him…. He found the house where he can safely collapse …

...GHOST .....

I can go everywhere … I can go anywhere… and I don’t have to explain it….i visit all the people that I miss… I go and I leave messages everywhere…but no one gets them….but this new power seems to have some flows… it is not that easy to move around… not as easy as I expected…I don’t weight much…sometimes I feel that I don’t have a material existence…what else could explain all that happens… I try to pass through but no one moves away… I speak but my voice wouldn’t come out… sometimes I feel my lips moving… very very slowly….i had this dream more than once….this is what they called slurred speech…this must be how hemiplegic patients feel… I turn to body language to make my point… but again it is useless… no one sees me…it is like I am not even there… but I am here… I just can’t break through…should I scream….should I make a scene… should I get violent… I don’t know….i am tired of trying things that don’t work…. I had enough disappointment… I shall invest all my power to adapt… haven’t I always adored the phantom of the opera… then why should I complain as now… I have become a ghost….