Kill (2)

- ... so ... you made it through the week ...

- .. i told you i would ... i promised ...

- ... so ... how did it go?

- ... nothing new ... the usual  ....

- ... what ? why are you looking at me like this ?

- ... like what?

- ... i don't know ... it is different ...

- ....yes ... you are the first person who was ever able to change my mind about something ... and i wonder why and how did that happen ?

- ... so you changed your mind?

- .....

- about killing yourself?

- ... oh ... no ... let me rephrase ... you are the first person who was able to make a deviation in a plan i made ... a plan i was sure about ... and still am ....

- ... you know ... you too have a lot of contradictions ... where does that fit in your measures of honesty ... and clarity ....

- ... are you accusing me ??

- ... no i am not ... i am just trying to understand ... i told you there is a lot that i want to know ...

-....what are you trying to do here... another deviation in my plan? another week ....

- ....i am not ... i am trying to understand ... and whether you deviate your plan or not .... this will be completely up to you ....

- ... fair enough ... so you will know my decision next week ... it is either i come or not ... 

كنت يوما احدهم

...اعرفهم جيد....حاملي السلام و السعادة لكل من حولهم...مصدر الطاقة الايجابية.
جمعني القدر و واحد منهم ...اعرفهم....لاني...كنت يوما احد هؤلاء...لذلك اعرفهم جيدا...و اعرف ان ذلك لايعني بالضرورة ان بداخلهم سعادة تامة ..

و راحة كاملة...مجرد الفكرة مفزعة...

...احاول ان اعرف متي بالضبط هذا التحول...متي اصبحت ذلك الانسان المنعزل ...البعيد ...لابد انها تلك السلسلة المتواصلة من الاحباطات ...هي التي استهلكت  طاقتي و لم تترك سوي قدر بسيط...يكفي فقط ليجعلني اعيش في عالم مواز...حيت اتنفس..... .

.

Kill ...

- if you were really going to do it .... you wouldn't have talked about it ...

- ...May be ...

- is it a cry for help ...

- ....i don't know ....

- you know i can't tell anyone you told me ... doctor patient privilege ...

- ... i know ... i have said this sentence a lot more than i can remember ...

- ... but if i think there is a threat ... i can break the privacy seal ....

- ... no ... no threat ....

- ... we are talking about murder here ....

- ... no we are not ... if the one i am going to kill is myself ...  once i am done ... no one would ask questions ... no one would bother you ... no one would notice ... i tried once before ... this time i make sure it will work ....

- ... i see you have a plan ....

- ......

- can it be postponed ?

- ... still worried about yourself ... you are right ... i shouldn't have talked about it ... i don't know why i felt that i should tell you ... so that you won't be surprised....

- ... you didn't want me to blame myself ?

- ... may be ....

- it is not about me Sara ... it is about you .... i am not trying to convince you to change your mind ... i know once you are on to something northing would stop you .... i am just asking you to postpone it ...

- ... why ....?

- because there is still a lot that i want to tell you ... and a lot that i want to hear from you ....besides you are my only patient for the moment ... and i kind of need the money ....

- .... i knew you were honest ... but i didn't know you were that honest ... ok ... fair enough ... till next week then ...

- .. till next week .....

transit...

... the present ...there is no time but the present... it is a lot easier to live on a short term base.. i look deep down inside myself.. i know my nature...i know that most probably "alone" is the best option...i know that i won't survive a lot..if i was with someone...
it is just that being lonely...hurts...yet...the answer to not being lonely ...is not being with someone...some people are so capable of making you feel a thousand times lonlier than if you were on your own...
....i stopped hoping a long time ago...and i started to let go...may be then my mind will be open enough to see...and know....and accept the truth...
....life is just a transit...longer than usual...and in a larger place than usual... in this place we meet people that make life bearable...this simply gets them a closer place to our heart...get them to pass through all the defences and the shells and the walls...get them in a place where they can easily hurt us...if they want to...or even if they simply decide to stop doing the very little things that they do...
it is confusing...but no matter how many times we think about...it is how we feel about it that takes the upper hand...and we take the risk...and live the moment...it is hard to turn down a good moment specially if it is the only good moment that ever happened...just like a point if light...resisting a darkness that we thought was endless and ever lasting....

once is enough ...

.... just once...you feel broken...frustrated ... you go to someone hoping he or she  might bring you justice ... and then ... with a heartless speech crushes your heart ...once .... just once .... you go through this scenario ... and it is enough to know that you should not .... you must not do this again ....that this person is not your person and never will be ...
just once is enough ....

i keep hearing about people going through different experiences ... falling apart... pulling themselves back together... trying once again ... well ... i have absolutely no idea how they can do that ... one shattering... painful experience is enough to know where to go... and where not to go... and when to stop ..

sometimes once is enough ... because i know ... if it happens again i will not survive it ...  

it is in my mind where the problem is ...

... in most of the time i can't identify ... what i feel ... from what i hope for... i keep building up ideas in my head ... ideas that have no solid evidence ... ideas that can't be ... and wish they were true... and somewhere along the way ... i lose my compass ... what i hope for is too good to be true ... things like this don't happen ... at least they don't happen to me ... and then comes the big question .. why not ? did i ever let anyone down? has anyone asked me for help and i said no? did i reject anyone before? did i ever let go?
then why? why do i end up so alone?
there must be something wrong with me ... something that i can't identify ... that i can't understand... why do i end up so unhappy ?
for now i know one thing that can make me happy ... yet ... i can't tell about it ... i don't have the right ... i can't ask for it ... again ... i don't have the right ... and i am so scared to pray for it ... i am so scared it will be like every time i prayed for something .. i am afraid the answer would be no ... may your will be done ...

" I "

" finish the non sense you are saying...i am listening just because i am polite''...yeah...a look can say all this...i heard it...

there is also..." i am truly surprised..''  and the " seriously i am working..." look...and the "i am in agony " look ... the " i care ..." look ...i heard all that ...and most true "i am happy ..." look ...that i saw ...just once ...in a black and white photograph...

mask off (2)...

....so...if silence is to be considered a mask ...then yes...i wear that mask a lot...the reason why doesn't matter...but if i start talking...then i mean what i say...no more no less...that's why i don't talk much..
and not with many....so let me rephrase...
if we are talking ...this means you get to see me without the mask....

addiction

...if writers only knew how they have a tremendous effect on us...i  am not talking about the luxury of living in a different world while reading....i am recalling every sever crisis i went through in my life...wether psychological...or physical..
everytime...it was reading that saved me...so it doesn't surprise me how i became so addicted ...so attached to this friend...my book...whatever he is....

....يناير يوم 15 ....180 درجة

   

فى ناس لما موقفها يتغير تقولك اتغير 180 درجة....و لما تحب تقولك انه اتغير خالص تقولك 360 درجة .... متعرفش انها كدة رجعت لنفس النقطة...يعنى متغيرتش ...

انا ...انهارده...كل حاجة موقفي منها...متغير 180 درجة عن موقفي في بدايتها...كل حاجة فعلا...و كل حد...اكيد ....ما المواقف و الوقت هما اللي بيعرفونا الحقيقة...

....15 يناير ...بالصدفة نفس اليوم  شفت فيه حقيقتين...كل واحدة غيرتني.... 180 درجة...بس كل واحدة في اتجاه مختلف...هتكلم عن الحاجة الكويسة...مش عايزة انكد علي نفسي...اليوم ده ادركت انه الفكره اللي انا مكوناها عن حد و اللي كنت مقتنعة بيها تماما...كانت غلط ...دي كانت بدايه... نقطة اساسية....جت بعدها مواقف كتيركانت دايما بتبني في نفس الاتجاه الايجابي.......بشكر ربنا...انه اداني الفرصة...و اني عرفت...و الا كنت هفوت حاجة جميلة جدا جدا....ان مكانتش اجمل حاجة حصلت اصلا....و السؤال يا تري في الوقت ده...انا كمان جاتلي فرصة علشان حقيقتي تبان...حقيقتي بجد...من غير ظلم... ؟اتمنى ... مفيش حاجة كتير على ربنا ....

may i have some water...

...''may i have some water?" she was thirsty....and hungry...but she couldn't eat...not with all that tension...and if it was not for that sense of impending collapse...she should have never asked a stranger for a glass of water...not with all her trust issues...she was trying to understand what was going on...she was supposed to be at home ...on her sofa...her book and her coffee keeping her company...instead she was in that cold room...being intertogated....accused of a crime she didn't commit...it was cold...and it was getting colder...or may be it was that wound...bleeding again...she could feel a wet part of her clothes...but she didn't dare to touch it...her head was getting numb...may be she was about to wake up ..and find herself on her sofa...with her book...but she didn't...the man im front of her was too real...he talked to her...asking her questions.. but she couldn't remember ...and never answered...whatever conscious she had left in her mind was drifted away by the man's voice...it was like the voice of someone she knew years ago...and for a moment she thought it was him...but then...it was too good to be true...and there was no way she can be sure...she tried to look at him...adding a beared and a moustache to his face...and a little bandage arround his eyes...how rediculous she though....there is nothing left to compare...besides...things like this don't happen to her...no one comes back for her...no one stays for her...her was never impprtant enough for even a simple goodbye...all these ideas were going through her mind...until he asked her about her locket...and for a second...she looked him in the eye and it was as if he was telling her ...yes it is me...but then...the room got colder...and darker...and she was no longer in the conscious world....

heartless

heartless...sensless...blind...cruel...mean. .manipulative....pretender.. .. hurting everybody...everybody...and is using me to do so...and i hate this person for it...

477 days...or about...

friday january third 2014....i can't beleive myself...i have been silent all this time and now i can't stop myself...now what...a scene from the real world? there is nothing good in the real world...a scene from the prallel universe then....i keep thinking of "the fugitive"or the "bourne identity"...in everytime...i am the equivilant to Jadon Bourne...or Richard Cimble...the person that all the evidence tell ...with absolutely no doubt...that they are guilty...while they are not.. where does this come from? why this sense of injuctice...why this repeated scene where i never speak for myself...where i let the truth reveal itself ...by itself...honestly i don't know...may i am tired of people who have one and only one idea in their head and refuse to beleive anything else...it is the ultimate injustice...even at the simplest aspects of life....i can't stand injustice...it is a weakness. .it destroys me when people judge me...or beleive in me something that is not...specially if it is someone that i care about...may be one day i will be more indifferent

mask off....

...i will write whatever comes to my mind...no draft...no chronological order...or logic...just the words... i am cold...i want to say a lot and do a lot ...but i am afraid...i am not afraid of the people....i am scared because you might be one of those people... ...i am afraid because i know all the good things that happen never last...and because i know there is nothing strong enough that could keep you ..and more because i know...if i were you. i would leave...but then...all i can do is pray ..and hope for a miracle... i wish i was different...i wish i was stronger....healthier...i wish i was a singer...or a writer...i wish i could make a difference...i wish i could make all the pain go away...i don't want to see the people i care about get hurt...i can't stand it...i wish i could make a difference...i wish i would be remembered..i wish i would meet someone who would see the true me...the me behind the mask...and who would accept me for who i am.... i wish....