Evanescence

        So it is evanescence then …  the earphones tight….I let her voice silence the crown in my mind… each beat of the drums pounding against my head ….. I curl up in my bed… close my eyes…and try to drift away ….may be tomorrow I will wake up and I will find a different world… or to find that I have become a different person….a stronger one…. I don't know…

       ...I have had my share of facing everything and standing up for everything… I need a break now…it is like when you realize all the things that you have to do and then decide to let go everything and have a nap saying that tomorrow is definitely better …

       ....it could be the endless illusion that we tell ourselves so that we can go on… or it can be just true… 

Night shift …

…. There was a time in my life when I had to work night shifts… as a morning person that seemed to be my worst nightmare… I was always afraid that I would fall asleep while driving my way back home in the morning … and some other issues that I was so concerned about …

….it was not easy… there were times when one had to work no matter how tired and exhausted you are…but that is not exclusive to night shifts…of course we the interns were not as stressed as the residents who have to carry all the responsibilities and whose shift is actually 24 Hr not 12 like ours …

…. But I can’t deny that I learnt a lot from these days … it was sort of the stressful condition that gives you the excuse to do what you want with no one questioning your actions… because everyone is busy doing something important and relevant …and no one has the time to think about all the silly stuff that can simply turn the nice things that you do into bad things… ....we used to help the residents with everything… sometimes we went to buy the stuff that they need from the pharmacy…sometimes we got them their coffee…in most of the times we got them food… whish they ate in no time ….


… the reason I am bringing this story is that if it were any other condition… bringing food to work colleagues would have been inappropriate and unacceptable… this is not double standards… it is relativity …. 

Adrenaline…. (written on friday 30/8/2013)

….the adrenaline is everywhere… attacking each and every cell of my body I keep thinking about everything…my hands are shaking… I could feel the strong pounds of my heart on the inside of my tight chest…I am not feverish… I could be on the verge of a panic attack…I wish I could just turn off my mind for a little while and rest… the problem is that all the buffering mechanisms seem to be so not functioning…. Some are even working the other way… they add to the stress …. I try to figure out what’s wrong….

...I try to cope and adapt…but it is very energy consuming… even trying to ignore or detach is exhausting… and the moment I start talking about it ... I start hearing…. Yes you are right or no you are overreacting… people starting to judge and evaluate pretending that they know everything…which adds to the stress… I know… it is my problem… I let people do what they want… say what they want and I don’t tell them what they should and shouldn’t do… I simply don’t have the right…besides if I tell someone hey I am upset because you did this or said… and assuming that he/she agreed and apologized … which is not likely to happen… how can I ever guarantee the credibility in their actions after that…

.....I let people do and say what they want …because it is the only way to know who they really are….  

… I….

…. Now I understand those who popped the question: who am I …I won’t deny it… I am quoting the question from a friend…I saw it a long time ago but only now I knew what it meant…. … Will anyone miss me if I die? ...that question crossed my mind more than once… obviously not…nut that doesn’t mean much…

... I mean eventually one is alone…even when surrounded by people…sometimes these people make you feel lonelier… at least when you are alone… you know that no one is there… you don’t expect that someone would talk to you… or would look at you in the eye and say…I understand your pain…. Or hold you tight and tell you that everything will be ok …. … I don’t hide…in more than once I take the occasion and call to ask about the people I care about… but no one calls in return… It is my mistake…I am the one who forgot the golden rule… no expectations … no disappointment  

J.Bourne

            His life started when a couple of sailors found him on the beach of “port noir”. The doctor of the town stitched and bandaged him and kept him alive. A couple of weeks later he woke up from his coma with no past, no memory of a past, and no name.


          Starting with the 15 million dollar bank account in Zürich, and which the number was surgically implanted in his hip, the clews kept flowing telling him bits and pieces about who he really is. Everything was telling that he is Jason Bourne the famous assassin, his skills, the bank account, his ability to kill, the people who were trying to kill him, and the people that he met and who told him that he was responsible for the latest political assassination of Ambassador Leland


          Everything and everybody except Mary, the lady who got trapped in his escape and who Bourne he returned to save from the guy who was trying to kill her…. “You may be able to kill, but you are not a killer” she kept telling him that… she was sure that he was not the man he thinks he is, and so she decided to help him…

          “ your face was made to look like Jason Bourne, but you are not Bourne that I know…” eventually we know the truth…no need to go through the details…how and why David Webb became Jason Bourne, you can watch the movie (1988) or read the book for that… The key issue here, for me, is Mary… and how, despite everything, she believed him, believed in him, she was sure he is a good guy when everything else said that he was not… and she was right 

Moments ….

They were wrong when they thought us that our age should be expressed in years…the times that really count in our life are very few…not long…and mostly not meant to last…they are just a few moments that we try to memorize and register the same way we take a photograph to freeze the moment so we can relive it whenever we look at the picture…

   we memorize them so later we can remember them…we remember the time when we felt the true presence of an old friend… or the time when one of our superiors cared to teach us something so that we can do our job better…or the time we did a mistake and our boss defended us because he knows that we really care and that we are really doing our best…or the moment when we felt the support of a friend…



We care to remember these because eventually… these moments become the fuel that help us go on in our life …