brain chemistry

For the first time i am grateful for my brain chemistry that's keeping me a little indifferent towards what is going on.

i have always had my issues with people, character judgment issues, trust issues ...
adding to that the huge gap between what i think and what peoples behavior truly mean, the conclusion was simply: being safe means being alone, and i had no problem with that...

yet ... i couldn't stick to this all the time... and i ended up telling myself :" you naive... you don't learn from your mistakes"

but how can it be a mistake? why is it a mistake?
what is so wrong in trying to connect with people, in trying to have a friend...

time is the only challenge and proof of a true friendship, and as i go through life i try to start and build something, hoping it would last.... i don't think that this is a mistake

it is just the disappointment... it hurts... and i can't help it

don't blame me for trying... because i will try again for the sake of the chance that something great might come along, even if it is not meant to last.... as soon as i recover

"as we go through life, we meet people, we like some, we feel better with some... then time goes by, changing everything, and we get lost in all that we go through. we may forget all the ones that we once knew, but we can never forget the dearest to our heart, our loved ones... the dearest to our heart."

so says the great Abdelhalim Hafiz.... and he was completely right.

but we don't have the mean to express how we feel the same way he did. away from all the restriction that people can put to define what other people should or shouldn't do, and which by the way, can be completely bypassed by many accepted forms, we in most of the times stop ourselves from doing something that we really want to because we believe that we don't have the right to. simply because we don't have the right to.

انها تلك الحالة المزرية... اعرفها جيدا... تهاجمنى بين الحين و الاخر... لا اعرف سببها و بالتالى لا اعرف كيف اتعامل معها أو كيف اتخلص منها

استيقظ لاجد نفسى ذلك الكائن الغير مستقر, الذى ينظر الى كل الاشياء التى يمكن عملها و يدير وجهة, و يمضى للا شئ.

اكره ذلك الكيان الضعيف الذى يترك نفسه للافكار السخيفة و يعطيها الفرصة لتؤثر عليه و فيه, و تجعله عبدا للانتظار....انتظار ما لن يحدث ابدا.

انها كيمياء المخ اللعينة التى لن افهم ابدا كيف تعمل, و التى تتحدى كل الوصفات بدءا من الشوكولاتة و حتى الرياضة . لن أكتب التفاصيل أملا فى الوصول الى سبب واضح ,فلا جدوى الكلام لن تفعل شيئا سوى أن تزيد الامر سوء.

سأحاول أن انام و سأقنع نفسى أن ما حدث لم يكن ذا قيمة تذكر و أنه لم يكن له و لو أثرا ضئيلا.

على الأقل أعرف أن من أهتم لأمرهم بخير و هذا يكفى.


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