Kill (8)

- are you sure you don't need anything?

- .... i am fine ...

- you look tired ... you shouldn't have come today ...

- ...what ...?

- just one day out of the hospital .... you should be resting at home ....

- ... may be i shouldn't have come ....

- are you tired? if you want i can take you  home ...

- ....i am not tired ... i just can't talk ... it is not very easy to breath ... but i don't want to go home .... i want to be here ....i just can't talk ....

- it is OK ... but whenever you want ... just say it ... i will take you home

 - ....again ... not so professional .... just like when you came to visit ... just  like using your doctor identity to get into the intensive care ...why did you do it?

- i didn't want you to feel alone ... plus i was not sure you will be aware of my presence ...

- .....i was .... i won't deny it ... i appreciated that you came ...i know i will regret it later ... but ....

- you don't need to say anything ...you yourself said you can't talk ...

- ...yes ... i will just keep breathing ...

- ....

-.... don't worry ... just at the end of the session ...i will leave ... a driver is waiting for me ...don't worry ...

- i will call you ....

-...... i will send you a message ...

- deal ...

Kill (7)

- tell me about this locket

- .......my locket? what do you want to know about it ?

- whatever you want to tell me about it

- .... it is mine ....

- you have quite a strange taste ...what is it? that design?

- ... i didn't choose it ... it was a gift ...i don't know about the design .. i didn't ask ...i did ask ... he said the design is whatever i see... i depends on me ... and how i see it ...

- your friend must be happy to see you wearing it all the time

- ....well .... since we don't meet ... he doesn't know ....

-how long?

- ...... ten years ....

- .........

- ....yes ten years and i am still wearing the locket ....ten years and i still hope a coincidence would make our path cross... do you believe how naive is that ??? i mean if by chance we meet i might not even recognize him  ...

- may be he would recognize you ...

- .....that's impossible ... he is blind ... he never saw my face ....actually that was why we met ... i used to go read for him ... what made me think we are friends ... you know what it is my mistake .... i assumed something that never existed ....

- why ? what happened ?

- .......nothing ... just nothing .....one day i went to the hospital and he was not there ... no body wanted to tell me anything about him ... after all i was not a relative. .. me coming to read to him was part of a community service ... besides ... if he wanted me to know ... he would have told me ...

- is this why you lost your faith in human beings?

- ......... oh no ........ i lost my faith in human beings looooooong ago ....ever since i was a child...whenever it came to people ... it ended up with disappointment .... i stopped believing in people way long before i knew him

-then why are you crying now? pride?

- .......no ....... i am crying because despite all the walls that i carefully built ... to protect myself ... i allowed someone to get in ..... so in .... and i ended up more hurt than ever ....because it was me who did that to myself .... i did that to myself when i let him in .......

- but you can never know what happened ... or why he left .. may be he tried to reach you  .. may be

 -oh please ... don't start ... these ideas consumed me more than you can ever imagine ... please ...enough ....i am telling you ... it was my mistake ... i had no place in his life ...i fit no where in his life........ for him i was just a passer by ... as simple as that ... it was my mistake to think we were friends .........

- and you still believe you are ... you still refer to him as your friend ...

- ......yeah ... that's my fantasy  ... the lie i hold on to... to go on ....the fact that i believe it ... doesn't make it true ...beseides my time is up ... and i have to go ........

- sarah ......

- yes

- thank you for coming today .........

- i will see you next week dr .

- next week ....

Kill (6)

- i think you should start your treatment .

-....what ? what are you talking about?

- you know what i am talking about ...

- .... you went through my files ? have you been checking me out? it is not exactly the wisest thing to do ... if you want me to trust you...

-first , i didn't check you out ... i don't need to ... it is all right there on your face... you can't hide it... your make up can't hide it ... not from a doctor ... and speaking of trust ... you lied to me ... you said you changed your mind ... about your plan... about killing yourself ... that you will at least postpone it ... and you know this is not true ... because not taking your medication ... will eventually kill you ...

- ..........


- wait .... wait ........where are you going ? you can't leave

- ...............

- sit down please ... please ...........


- ..........................


- listen Sarah .... i am sorry ... i know i was harsh on you .... may be i shouldn't have said this .... may be i should have waited ... but i was so scared ... we don't have time ... you don't have time ... and i just couldn't sit back and watch you slip away ........

-........ i want to leave ......

- i can't make you stay if you don't want to .... but at least promise me that you will pick up if i call you ............when i call you ...............

- ............................................

Kill (5)

- .... i don't want to talk ...

- OK

- ..............

- i am glad you came

- .....................

- what is it? what's bothering you?

- ........i told you i don't want to talk......

- then why did you come?

- ....... you are right  .... i shouldn't have come .........

- wait .. wait ... where are you going ...

-... leaving ... no need to waste your time ...

- that's not what i was trying to say .. oh god you are so terrible ... i was trying to tell you that there must be a reason that made you come here ... even though you don't feel like talking ... you came ... i just wanted to know why ....

- ......i didn't want you to think that i killed myself ... i didn't want you to think that i am manipulating you ... i know i don't matter much ... but at least i wanted to keep my word ....

- you matter ...

-.....whatever ....    

- you matter ... and you can sit here as long as you want ... even if you don't want to talk ...

- .....what you don't have other patients?

- no ... i don't .. and as i told you .... you can stay as long as you want ...

- ...............wouldn't that be not very professional ?

-it is not professional ... but it is human ...

- .....you are taking quite a risk here ...

- no i am not ... i believe in mercy ... above all i believe in mercy ...

-............

- ............


-.....i will go now ... my time is up ...

- as you like

- ......thanks for not pushing ...

- you are welcome

- .........see you next week ...

- see you next week 

Kill (4)

- I don't believe it is a week already

- .... yeah ... things were very fast ... this week ...

- you look different

- ... i feel different ... it is just my brain chemistry ...

-and?

- ... and my grandmother visited my dreams two days ago ... still brain chemistry ...

- may be she misses you ...

- ... you are a psychiatrist ... you shouldn't be talking non sense ...

-it is not non sens.. you can never know

- ... i don't think so ...

-why? you were not in good terms ...

- ....i wish ... actually we were ... she was the only friend that i had as a child ... the only person who loved me ...

- you miss her?

-.... yes ...

- but there is more behind this yes... it is been what ? ten years now since she died ... missing her cannot be the reason behind these tears ?

- fifteen years ...

- why are you crying?

- ...regret ...

- what is it that you regret ...

- .... not telling her how much i loved her ... how much i appreciated her ... not spending more time with her ...

- some things are never enough ...

- we had a fight ... not a fight ... i was going through a very bad time ... and i don't know why i was behaving like this ... and it was like suddenly we drifted apart ... a wall was built between us ... i wall that i built with my behavior ... i abandoned her ... and i am sure she was upset ... and i was the reason why she was upset ... and ... as if there was no other time for her to go ... before i realize anything ... before i say i am sorry ....

- i think you are blaming yourself way too much ...

- ,,,,, this is how i feel ...and there is nothing i can do about it ...

-is this the reason why you are extra careful with people? you don't want to do something and regret it later?

- ........i am not extra careful ... i just make sure that the people i care about know that i appreciate them and that i don' t take them for granted ... it is their right to know ....

- and the people you care about ... you don't want to stay in this world with them? for them?

- ....of course i do ... but i think the question should be the other way around... do they want me? do they want to spend time with me?

- i think they do

- ... i don't think so ... may be ... i am not sure ....may be we should talk about this next week ?

- sure ... i will see you next week ...

Kill (3)

- ...i hate it when i fall into that vortex of confusion .... of not knowing ....of having all the ideas in my mind... yet i am unable to make any sens out of it ... i shouldn't have come here in the first place ... i mean ... a simple " routine psychological evaluation " requested for work ... i should have said :"no " i was OK and stable and everything was clear in my head ... until i came here ....


- you are the first one who wants to kill herself and still thinks that she is stable ...

- ....you won't understand ....

- try me ...

- is this another way to buy sometime  .... one more week ?

- no ... it is just an offer ... why don't you try ...

- because i don't want to get disappointed ... i will not survive another disappointment ...actually your trial to buy me more time ... can end up speeding up my " big escape plan " ....

- i think you are a lot stronger that you believe .. and i know i think you should take the risk ... i think i am worth it ...

- .... you are not aware of what you are saying ... you shouldn't say this ... you sound like you care....

- i do care

- ...no you don't .... it is just pity .... or may be you are just afraid .... you don't want to lose a patient ... it is not good for you reputation as a psychiatrist ....

- or may be i care.... you can never tell ...

- .... i can never tell .... and  i can't consider this possibility ...

- why ?

- it is not my right .... i just can't ....because  the " i care " that i know ... is a lot different from the " i care that you say  ...

- you don't know that either ... you don't know me ...

- and i will never get to know you ... i will keep believing things  that are not there... i will keep projecting ... it is in my mind where the problem lies ...

- i think it is up to me to tell whether or not there is a problem in your mind ...

- whatever ...

- last time you left and you didn't say what you are going to do ...

- will you believe me if i told you ...

- yes ...

- see you next week doctor...