…. Few but true…..

… it shall be the third on my list… yes… I can’t take it out of my mind… I can’t stop listening to it… and when I am not listening to it… I hear it in my mind….the song at the beginning of the episodes: ذاكرة الجسد, I read the book, I am watching the TV adaptation, and I can’t take the whole thing out of my mind… some night consider this some sort of obsession… may be… but I don’t think so… it doesn’t happen all the time… pirates of the Caribbean, the phantom of the opera 2004, pan’s labyrinth, mademoiselle Zivago , and this song… it is not an obsession… I just hold on to the music that is really close to my heart and which tell a lot of what I want to say but can’t find the words to express…the music that is always here for me and which never let me downs… whenever I needed an asylum ….

I write… I am alive…

I should have chosen another name for my blog… I can’t write now… so you can imagine how it feels...and I can’t talk either… I have nothing to say…even the simple events of the day… I can’t tell or write about them…something is wrong… and don’t ask me what because I don’t know… if I knew I would have fixed it… may be it is the dream that I has last night… it felt so real… a dear friend was there…we could talk …and unlike all the dreams my voice came out and all I said was:” it is really you… you are here…then how come they say that you are gone… I missed you so much”…it was so great… until I woke up… …but soon I will forget… soon the mysterious brain chemistry will adjust itself and everything will be ok… and even if they don’t … I will adjust

…break….

…now is time when all the plans are arranged… when all the “to do lists” are written… …this summer holiday is going to be different… all the “pending” will be turned into “done”… every single moment will be fruitfully used… but then… why can’t I start…why can’t I even do the simple of the simple? Because nothing is really urgent… nothing “HAS TO BE DONE” …. It is not laziness …. It is not carelessness… it is a desperate trial to have a little relief and feel that I can truly do what I want… and that includes doing nothing….after all the MUSTS and the URGENTS… and the VERY VERY IMPORTANT…

collapse

… I can’t collapse now…. I can’t let go ….still a lot of unfinished stuff that need to be finalized…three stress points… may be four…and then most of the anxiety shall go away…or may be not…may be I will find something else to worry about…but then if it was by choice, why can’t I choose not to worry…why can’t I take myself away from the edge of panic…I can deal with the hand tremors… I can manage the shivering voice…and the weak speech flow…I just need a few waking moments away from the shadows of fear …. written on the 9th of may 2013