The very little things

So limited is the area of choice that we have... and most of the corner stone issues in our life just happen to us and there is nothing that can be done about them.

But... we can choose which book to read... and if we didn't like it we can simply close it and put it away.
We can choose which track to listen to, and how and when... the same for the wonderful cup of coffee that gives us a little alertness or the signature chocolate that improves our mood just a little bit...

That's why it is hard to let go these very little things, because sometime, they are the only thing that we truly have...

brain chemistry

For the first time i am grateful for my brain chemistry that's keeping me a little indifferent towards what is going on.

i have always had my issues with people, character judgment issues, trust issues ...
adding to that the huge gap between what i think and what peoples behavior truly mean, the conclusion was simply: being safe means being alone, and i had no problem with that...

yet ... i couldn't stick to this all the time... and i ended up telling myself :" you naive... you don't learn from your mistakes"

but how can it be a mistake? why is it a mistake?
what is so wrong in trying to connect with people, in trying to have a friend...

time is the only challenge and proof of a true friendship, and as i go through life i try to start and build something, hoping it would last.... i don't think that this is a mistake

it is just the disappointment... it hurts... and i can't help it

don't blame me for trying... because i will try again for the sake of the chance that something great might come along, even if it is not meant to last.... as soon as i recover

"as we go through life, we meet people, we like some, we feel better with some... then time goes by, changing everything, and we get lost in all that we go through. we may forget all the ones that we once knew, but we can never forget the dearest to our heart, our loved ones... the dearest to our heart."

so says the great Abdelhalim Hafiz.... and he was completely right.

but we don't have the mean to express how we feel the same way he did. away from all the restriction that people can put to define what other people should or shouldn't do, and which by the way, can be completely bypassed by many accepted forms, we in most of the times stop ourselves from doing something that we really want to because we believe that we don't have the right to. simply because we don't have the right to.

انها تلك الحالة المزرية... اعرفها جيدا... تهاجمنى بين الحين و الاخر... لا اعرف سببها و بالتالى لا اعرف كيف اتعامل معها أو كيف اتخلص منها

استيقظ لاجد نفسى ذلك الكائن الغير مستقر, الذى ينظر الى كل الاشياء التى يمكن عملها و يدير وجهة, و يمضى للا شئ.

اكره ذلك الكيان الضعيف الذى يترك نفسه للافكار السخيفة و يعطيها الفرصة لتؤثر عليه و فيه, و تجعله عبدا للانتظار....انتظار ما لن يحدث ابدا.

انها كيمياء المخ اللعينة التى لن افهم ابدا كيف تعمل, و التى تتحدى كل الوصفات بدءا من الشوكولاتة و حتى الرياضة . لن أكتب التفاصيل أملا فى الوصول الى سبب واضح ,فلا جدوى الكلام لن تفعل شيئا سوى أن تزيد الامر سوء.

سأحاول أن انام و سأقنع نفسى أن ما حدث لم يكن ذا قيمة تذكر و أنه لم يكن له و لو أثرا ضئيلا.

على الأقل أعرف أن من أهتم لأمرهم بخير و هذا يكفى.


الجمعة 4 أبريل
التاسعة و النصف مساء

unnamed

I find it really strange how some people can have such a special place in our heart no matter what they do.

Like and old school friend who remembers you and calls to ask about you and makes you sit on the ground and listen to a very long conversation without feeling bored, and without feeling that you can ever have enough of this wonderful talk.

Or the person who helped you in the very beginning of your career and kept advising you and guiding you all through the way. Or the person who believed in you in the first place, and trusted you with a big task knowing that you will do your best to get the job done. Or the person who helped you and gave you a chance to train for a while, and try the job before you make a decision about what you will spend the rest of your life doing. Or the person who cared enough and was patient enough to teach you something that made you feel useful. a wonderful feeling that can pull you out of a severe depression and save you. Or the person who was fair with you and from the very first beginning treated you well and made sure that the work gets equally distributed to all the members of the group. Or the person who is kind to everyone and who treats everybody with all the decency and the respect.

In a word the person who has the magical power to touch your life and make it better.
This person exist in a way or another in our life, and this existence is what gives a meaning to the non-sense

i was lucky that some of these people's path crossed mine, i wish i could tell who they are but i feel i don't have the right to do so without their permission.

Portrait

Nothing can match the charm of an evening at the opera house. I am looking forward to the day when the streets will be safe again so that I can go to the soirée performance as I used to.

I remember one evening when we arrived earlier than usual. We had the chance to walk around the main hall and watch the Cairo tower with all its colored lights, and I had the chance to visit a painting gallery. There I saw a very beautiful picture. I saw something in it that touched my heart. It was a combination of different colors with no definite outlines. For me it was an expression of a deep confusion mixed with a strange stability. I will be honest, I couldn't afford to buy it, so I secretly took a picture of it with my mobile so that I can keep a very little bit of this piece of art.

The reaction of my friend, to whom I showed this picture, was completely shocking. “How can you like something like that?” my friend said “don't you see how violent and aggressive it is?”
Violent! Aggressive! How come my friend saw all this and I looked at the same picture and saw something completely different.
I tried to prove my point, but I found no convincing argument. Eventually I said: “you can't say that this is what the artist wanted to say, you can never tell what was in his mind while he painted this”
“You are right” my friend said, “YOU, also can't tell what was in his mind…..”

I got it, no one can know for sure. I won't deny it, I didn't dare to show this picture to anyone, but I never deleted it. To me this picture meant something, and I believed it, and I can't feel any different about it… to me it will always be as I saw it, pure and true

Breakable

I like long “to do lists” they give me a chance to be proud of myself when I finish all the tasks….that if I managed to finish them, which doesn't really happen…. But until then it gives me a chance to get absorbed in something useful.

It is a very efficient way to fight the silly ideas. The ideas that keep insisting to force themselves in my mind and slice it over and over. The stupid trial to make sense of the meaningless.

I hate myself every time I fall into that trap. I shouldn't let anything stop me from properly functioning. I know I shouldn't but I don't manage to do that all the times.
Out of nowhere I find myself in that cursed situation. I who lived believing that I am a strong person who went through a lot, who though was immune, find myself fragile enough to be broken by simple, probably meaningless, actions.

Did I do that to myself? Am I really that shallow person?
I don't think so….

Now I remember every time I dared to take a chance, every time I believed in something, every time I held on to something good and made sure I get the most out of it despite my clear knowledge that change is the inevitable fact of life, I remember that and I know I am not a fragile person…

And every time I don't let anything stop me from properly functioning I know that I am a strong person…