For a few days I found myself unable to write...and I hated being in that state, which seemed to be still lingering in my mind. I can see that as I deleted and rewrote the previous sentence more than once. But I will write… nothing specific… it is just to prove to myself that I am still capable of writing.
It could be the stress, the numerous tasks that need to be done, or the excitement about the beginning of the school year. I feel I am a child! I keep preparing my books, my notes, and my new pens and pencils, and at a moment I will have all these stuff very well packed in my bag , so that I won’t forget anything before I leave tomorrow morning.
Or maybe it is the many ideas that got stuck in my mind and that I still can’t deal with… ideas that I realized once I started thinking about my life from a different perspective ….
Ideas mainly about myself … and how I behave … yet it seems to be always coming back to the same conclusions.... like there is no perfect formula that can work with everybody, in all the situation, all the time… every case is unique… and every person has his own nature… and there is no way that one can tell what is going in the other’s mind… and there is no way that anyone can tell what is going on in my mind… so it is my responsibility to come clear about things that matter … and I will not do the same mistake and believe something about someone and go on completely convinced that this is the truth… I will not subject them to the same injustice that I went through… or to be honest… the injustice that I put myself in every time I kept silent and went to wipe all by myself…. I ask and I expect an honest answer… and from myself I hope I will be clearer expressing myself… again not every formula works with everyone all the time... but i think that this is what should be done when it comes to somehting that really matters.
The reason I brought this up is because a friend of mine told me about a situation where her daughter behaved in a way that most people will see as disrespectful or not accepted … but as I see the contrast between what she did, and what I would have done if I were to be in her position… I sort of admire her …
I didn’t reread what I wrote, I am not ready to delete it and write it again… I just hope that it made sense …
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
... in treatment ...
Recently I have been following “in treatment”, a TV series about a psychologist, Dr. Paul Weston, and how he gets too engaged with his patients’ problems.
After a week off, he gets back to his practice, and he meets April, a 23 year-old girl who is studying architecture.
For more than once April tried to know why he cancelled their last session, but Paul wouldn’t say.
The maximum stress point was when she told him that her next chemotherapy was the following day, and he asked her who would go with her. Her smile faded, she looked at him and said:” you…”
He started to explain why he can’t go with her, and why he can’t be her therapist and her care giver at the same time. She started to get angry… she couldn’t understand that the first time he had to take her though no one forced him… she couldn’t understand that she didn’t have time and that he couldn’t stand and watch her slip away. “You are dropping me” she said as she was lying on the couch, with a breath that was almost stopped by the excruciating pain from the port she had in her heart.
“No “he said “I am not dropping you April ….”
“Yes you are… I was so scared last week… I needed you and you cancelled our session”
Paul was about to tell her, but all he could manage to say was: “… I had a family emergency…”
But that lame excuse only made things worse, she let a thigh and said: “what happened? Did your dog die?”
“No ….. My father” he finally said.
And those were the magic words that put an end to all the drama. April pulled herself up to sit, she was breathing normally, talking normally….
That was the episode that engaged me with the series… it was so touching and so true… and it presented something that I witness and sometimes go through and it really gets to me.
People keep judging each other and they don’t stop until they get an excuse, which is, from their point of view, a valid one ….again… from their point of view …… which is simply unfair
After a week off, he gets back to his practice, and he meets April, a 23 year-old girl who is studying architecture.
For more than once April tried to know why he cancelled their last session, but Paul wouldn’t say.
The maximum stress point was when she told him that her next chemotherapy was the following day, and he asked her who would go with her. Her smile faded, she looked at him and said:” you…”
He started to explain why he can’t go with her, and why he can’t be her therapist and her care giver at the same time. She started to get angry… she couldn’t understand that the first time he had to take her though no one forced him… she couldn’t understand that she didn’t have time and that he couldn’t stand and watch her slip away. “You are dropping me” she said as she was lying on the couch, with a breath that was almost stopped by the excruciating pain from the port she had in her heart.
“No “he said “I am not dropping you April ….”
“Yes you are… I was so scared last week… I needed you and you cancelled our session”
Paul was about to tell her, but all he could manage to say was: “… I had a family emergency…”
But that lame excuse only made things worse, she let a thigh and said: “what happened? Did your dog die?”
“No ….. My father” he finally said.
And those were the magic words that put an end to all the drama. April pulled herself up to sit, she was breathing normally, talking normally….
That was the episode that engaged me with the series… it was so touching and so true… and it presented something that I witness and sometimes go through and it really gets to me.
People keep judging each other and they don’t stop until they get an excuse, which is, from their point of view, a valid one ….again… from their point of view …… which is simply unfair
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Evanescence once more…
Despite the idea that kept coming and going through my head, I continued my way up to see one of the most wonderful waterfalls in Slovenia. “You are going to fall and break your neck… or any of the 206 bones – if I recalled the number right- in your body…
Somehow the idea was not strong enough to resist the beauty and the charm of this place… the sound of the water was getting higher… stronger…gradually silencing that other voice of reason…
As I walked up the steep irregular slope… trying to find the right place to my foot… I could hear Lara Fabian’s voice singing: “ …un instant boréal ou l’on sent que le vent tourne et prend la neige par la main, détournant son chemin, pour ouvrir un grand lendemain… » « … a boreal moment where one feels that wind turns and takes the snow by hand, turning its way to open a great day ... ” it was so clear in my head … that moment when your destiny changes … where you either go on… or simply fall….
I was not afraid…. I was not even worried …nothing really mattered… even if I didn’t make it to the top …I was enjoying every detail … and it didn’t matter what would happen later …. It was like when you really want to do something and you tell yourself:” all I want to do is this and it doesn’t matter if I die after this…”
I remember being in that particular point once before in my life… I was really enjoying my former work – at a certain period of time- … I felt I was useful… and most of all I made sure that I expressed my appreciation and my gratefulness…
30 minutes later I was down… to hear the unmistakable voice of evanescence singing my immortal … one of my favorite bands singing one of my favorite songs … one that brings back very dear memories…
I bet the guy in the café didn’t know the effect of his very simple action pressing the play button….
Somehow the idea was not strong enough to resist the beauty and the charm of this place… the sound of the water was getting higher… stronger…gradually silencing that other voice of reason…
As I walked up the steep irregular slope… trying to find the right place to my foot… I could hear Lara Fabian’s voice singing: “ …un instant boréal ou l’on sent que le vent tourne et prend la neige par la main, détournant son chemin, pour ouvrir un grand lendemain… » « … a boreal moment where one feels that wind turns and takes the snow by hand, turning its way to open a great day ... ” it was so clear in my head … that moment when your destiny changes … where you either go on… or simply fall….
I was not afraid…. I was not even worried …nothing really mattered… even if I didn’t make it to the top …I was enjoying every detail … and it didn’t matter what would happen later …. It was like when you really want to do something and you tell yourself:” all I want to do is this and it doesn’t matter if I die after this…”
I remember being in that particular point once before in my life… I was really enjoying my former work – at a certain period of time- … I felt I was useful… and most of all I made sure that I expressed my appreciation and my gratefulness…
30 minutes later I was down… to hear the unmistakable voice of evanescence singing my immortal … one of my favorite bands singing one of my favorite songs … one that brings back very dear memories…
I bet the guy in the café didn’t know the effect of his very simple action pressing the play button….
Sunday, August 19, 2012
dream....
..... So wired are the deams.....where we meet the people that we miss.... Those who left this world...and those whose path was designed so far away from ours...dreams that seem so true....so true that we don't realise that it was a dream until we wake up.... If only we were aware that it is not real life...we would have said all that we want to say....with no restrains...with no care about the consequences....just the truth....yet it seems that our mind insists to have the upper hand and refuses to let go its control...always standing between us and our happiness....even if it is a virtuel one.....
Thursday, August 16, 2012
slow. ...
i like to take things slowly... This way i have the chance to be aware of what's going on... The details... It gives me a chance to build a connection... Develop a reflex... Like, if years later, i come to read this, i would see the picture that i am seeing now through my room window, hear the hum of the street and the passing cars every now and then, smell the green that's everywhere arround us... It is raining...and it has been breaking through our room for quiet a while, the lightening i mean,and seconds later we hear the thunder...away from the scientific explanation of the sound, and which i am completely aware of, it seems someone is yelling upthere...could be the angels, could be the spirits...
Inside it is ok... Dry... Not so cold... Safe... I can sit and write a blog as i watch what's going on outside.
For the first time i don't turn on a music background... I listen to the rain... And i will get back to my stephen king's the stand...
Inside it is ok... Dry... Not so cold... Safe... I can sit and write a blog as i watch what's going on outside.
For the first time i don't turn on a music background... I listen to the rain... And i will get back to my stephen king's the stand...
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Never land 2
Nothing but the constant blue of the water… and the sound of the waves coming closer and further from the sand
It is hard to find a shadow… the oblique sunrays smartly escape each and every obstacle…
It is still there… but soon it will be gone giving the sea a darker color…
It is still there... getting weaker… and soon it will leave… to come back… bringing different, stronger colors…
It is hard to find a shadow… the oblique sunrays smartly escape each and every obstacle…
It is still there… but soon it will be gone giving the sea a darker color…
It is still there... getting weaker… and soon it will leave… to come back… bringing different, stronger colors…
Monday, July 30, 2012
Never land
Nothing but the golden sparkles over the blue water… coming and going as the wind writes its destiny…
Nothing but the sound of small waves breaking against the rocks…
From where we are, we can stand up and look forward and it would be like the titanic…
Even if it is taking us nowhere… even if it might not have a final destination … it doesn’t matter… as long as the one holding the iron bar next to you… is a true dear friend …
Nothing but the sound of small waves breaking against the rocks…
From where we are, we can stand up and look forward and it would be like the titanic…
Even if it is taking us nowhere… even if it might not have a final destination … it doesn’t matter… as long as the one holding the iron bar next to you… is a true dear friend …
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