didn't know that my car could swim....   I never took my warm bed for granted...   Did it really happen? Did i go through that day? I remember when i arrived at work... It was cold... I could't feel my fingers... The exam... The papers... The two sick girls... Coffee... Model answer.... Survallance... Another coffee... And finally a drive home...   It was ok until we reached a point where all the cars stopped... I won't check my watch and stress about the time...but what can i do to the sky that was getting darker.... Suddenly there was nothing in front of me but water... I knew i reached the block... I knew that after this point things will get to normal... Right after the block...   I was happy that i reached the neighborhood... All i need is a place to park...any where and i will walk... But this seemed so much to ask...eventually i found a whole....and eventually i am home....   A feeling that reminds me of my day shifts... The long tyring yet enjoyable days...somehow i feel proud that i was able to go through all this....and it gave me something to write about :-)

I remember the time when school was my one and only world... The endless white papers, the blue pens... The couloured ones...these things still fascinate me... I always get some every time i go to a store that sells these wonderful tuff... Stydying and tawfeek elhakeem books   Today i sit in a class survalling the very young girls as they write down in the answer sheet... The only thing that we are allowed to do is observe the girls... So i did, and i recognised the patterns and started categorising....   The ones that write down with all the confidence in the world... The queens   And the ones who write smoothly hoping that things will end up in their favor...   I can see the ones who finished and who have already rested their heads on the desk... Too much peace of mind...i won't deny it i envy them And the ones who don't care... I envy them as well... And of course the ones struggling to remember.... I see bits and peaces of everyone of them... I lived these days eleven years ago but it still feels so recent.... Obviously i am not oriented to time.... I don't know why i feel so little inside... May be because of all that i missed... All that i should have lived and didn't... Sort of catching up.... I wonder when i will wake up to live my actual age...or will i live in this continuous trial of compensation...

So… it is the last evening in 2012 …it is been what… three years now… yeah … about three years… seems that I am going to spend this evening finishing the work that I have to do… all the typing and all the arrangements …. It seems the only way to beat the panic that’s starting to eat me alive… I doubt that my students are worried as much as I am about the exams…. I don’t know why I feel like this… but I was hoping that if I talk about it, it will go away… It is funny… I don’t remember a time when I was truly free since this year started… every week end… every free period… even the extra days that we had off … all were spend trying to finish what seems so endless… and I wonder what else could be done… and I can’t help feeling that despite all this … I will fail…. May be I am scared because it is the only thing that I truly have… because it is my thing … the thing that I chose to do... that I love… that I always put first … that I deeply cherish… my work… I don’t know…. I don’t want to fall into that hole of confusion… I don’t want to lose my focus and my ability to function… I pray and ask for a little peace… may my brain chemistry get fixed…

world on ice ....

... When I pass through one of those times when one can feel down... depressed... helpless...and all the other similar stuff that you sure know... I let the music silence everything … I let the very beloved ear phones do their job … I listen … I imagine myself skating ... choreographing my favorite song or music and skating... and for a moment I am able to breath … it is a temporary relief… but it is working… the same way symptomatic treatment works… Yet I think why is my comfort conditioned with something that would never happen? I don’t know… may be it is just a coincidence… but I know that if I can’t have what I want for real…. I will have it for as much as I want, and as long as I want in my mind … and may be it will come true one day …. It is not impossible…. As far as I remember it did happen before… and one of the things that I dreamt about did come true …..

Burn notice

Micheal Weston... a burned (fired) spy... wakes up in Miami to start a hunt after the people whor burnt him.... He could rely on the only people who were still talking to him.... his friend Sam and his ex-girl friend Feeyona He and Fee have a history that goes a long way back when she met him and didn't know who he really was... she fell in love with him... and one day she woke up to find that he was gone... to protect her as he explained later... and to protect himself.... All along the first 2 seasons Fee was always there for Micke... he was always her priority... even when his priority was to get his old Job back and clear his name...." you should support me on this..." he said "... if you really care" and indeed she supported him even though she knew that him, getting his job back, mean him going away and disappearing again Then there was the moment when she realised that she can't take it any more... it was not that he was not ready to give up something that he wanted for her... it was that she was ready to give up anything just to be with him... while he was not... and the unfairness of the situation hurts a lot " i will help you if you need me... but we can't be together anymore...." Eventually Micheal realised how much Fee means to him.... and lucky for him ... it was not after too late... in season 6 Fee will go to jail ... and we will see a whole new side of michesl weston

cripled ...

For a few days I found myself unable to write...and I hated being in that state, which seemed to be still lingering in my mind. I can see that as I deleted and rewrote the previous sentence more than once. But I will write… nothing specific… it is just to prove to myself that I am still capable of writing.

It could be the stress, the numerous tasks that need to be done, or the excitement about the beginning of the school year. I feel I am a child! I keep preparing my books, my notes, and my new pens and pencils, and at a moment I will have all these stuff very well packed in my bag , so that I won’t forget anything before I leave tomorrow morning.
Or maybe it is the many ideas that got stuck in my mind and that I still can’t deal with… ideas that I realized once I started thinking about my life from a different perspective ….
Ideas mainly about myself … and how I behave … yet it seems to be always coming back to the same conclusions.... like there is no perfect formula that can work with everybody, in all the situation, all the time… every case is unique… and every person has his own nature… and there is no way that one can tell what is going in the other’s mind… and there is no way that anyone can tell what is going on in my mind… so it is my responsibility to come clear about things that matter … and I will not do the same mistake and believe something about someone and go on completely convinced that this is the truth… I will not subject them to the same injustice that I went through… or to be honest… the injustice that I put myself in every time I kept silent and went to wipe all by myself…. I ask and I expect an honest answer… and from myself I hope I will be clearer expressing myself… again not every formula works with everyone all the time... but i think that this is what should be done when it comes to somehting that really matters.

The reason I brought this up is because a friend of mine told me about a situation where her daughter behaved in a way that most people will see as disrespectful or not accepted … but as I see the contrast between what she did, and what I would have done if I were to be in her position… I sort of admire her …

I didn’t reread what I wrote, I am not ready to delete it and write it again… I just hope that it made sense …

... in treatment ...

Recently I have been following “in treatment”, a TV series about a psychologist, Dr. Paul Weston, and how he gets too engaged with his patients’ problems.

After a week off, he gets back to his practice, and he meets April, a 23 year-old girl who is studying architecture.

For more than once April tried to know why he cancelled their last session, but Paul wouldn’t say.
The maximum stress point was when she told him that her next chemotherapy was the following day, and he asked her who would go with her. Her smile faded, she looked at him and said:” you…”
He started to explain why he can’t go with her, and why he can’t be her therapist and her care giver at the same time. She started to get angry… she couldn’t understand that the first time he had to take her though no one forced him… she couldn’t understand that she didn’t have time and that he couldn’t stand and watch her slip away. “You are dropping me” she said as she was lying on the couch, with a breath that was almost stopped by the excruciating pain from the port she had in her heart.
“No “he said “I am not dropping you April ….”
“Yes you are… I was so scared last week… I needed you and you cancelled our session”
Paul was about to tell her, but all he could manage to say was: “… I had a family emergency…”
But that lame excuse only made things worse, she let a thigh and said: “what happened? Did your dog die?”
“No ….. My father” he finally said.
And those were the magic words that put an end to all the drama. April pulled herself up to sit, she was breathing normally, talking normally….

That was the episode that engaged me with the series… it was so touching and so true… and it presented something that I witness and sometimes go through and it really gets to me.
People keep judging each other and they don’t stop until they get an excuse, which is, from their point of view, a valid one ….again… from their point of view …… which is simply unfair