...movie...

….a simple living room… a person continuously watching the one and only source of light in the room… the laptop screen … it is getting hard to focus…all the energy is consumed chasing the moving letters …the temptation to leave everything and rest is strong… but the stress is stronger…besides…after all this coffee sleep was not an option… …we watch the movie… we understand ... we sympathize…we feel sorry for this person…we hope that one day things will end fine and all the stress would go away… we the ones who are watching the movie… the ones who have the privilege to know the truth… but not the other persons in the story…for they don’t know the truth…they don’t try to know it… and when they do…the refuse to believe it…. …I have always loved watching movies…specially the good ones…specifically the Clint Eastwood ones as they give us a true experience for free …besides … as I viewer… I am in the privileged position …a position that no one can afford to have in real life …

….collapse … (2)

… The man with no name… no memory….escapes the guy who came to kill him….injured he went to the one person who knew him from before the accident….unlike the doctors who diagnosed him as a case of post traumatic amnesia/ schizophrenia…she believes he is telling the truth… he went to her house to take the papers he had left with her… no time for nice welcoming words…he yells “ I need the bag ….quickly” …she listened …and as she came back she found him lying on the floor… it must be the blood loss that made him so nervous….irritability …one of the first signs of shock….his adrenaline kept him moving until he reached that house…then it wore off…he dropped off his guard…only then his mind allowed him to let go and faint….for just a moment...a stress free moment….despite everything I envy him…. He found the house where he can safely collapse …

...GHOST .....

I can go everywhere … I can go anywhere… and I don’t have to explain it….i visit all the people that I miss… I go and I leave messages everywhere…but no one gets them….but this new power seems to have some flows… it is not that easy to move around… not as easy as I expected…I don’t weight much…sometimes I feel that I don’t have a material existence…what else could explain all that happens… I try to pass through but no one moves away… I speak but my voice wouldn’t come out… sometimes I feel my lips moving… very very slowly….i had this dream more than once….this is what they called slurred speech…this must be how hemiplegic patients feel… I turn to body language to make my point… but again it is useless… no one sees me…it is like I am not even there… but I am here… I just can’t break through…should I scream….should I make a scene… should I get violent… I don’t know….i am tired of trying things that don’t work…. I had enough disappointment… I shall invest all my power to adapt… haven’t I always adored the phantom of the opera… then why should I complain as now… I have become a ghost….

Physiology/ psychology

…I usually hate going that far into thinking….sometimes it feels that the more I think… the more I will get confused… but that came back as I was trying to remember something that happened in the past few days…I couldn’t remember when I exactly did it… and for a moment I was not sure if it really happened or that it happened in my dreams…it must be the fever… that made me have a dream that felt so real.... a certain degree of delirium… this issue is not my problem… the dilemma starts when “brain chemistry” becomes the explanation of such a phenomena… a group of neurotransmitters that go back and forth between the brain cells… I could list their names and the function of each but it wouldn’t matter… the point is that these are the things that control us… that determine if we are happy… if we are sad… ok… not ok…but how does it really work? I mean does it go like this… if we see something that we love … the happiness chemical goes out… so we feel happy…but if it is so… how come we can see the same thing and sometimes it makes us happy and sometimes it is not strong enough to get us out of a bad mood….where is the truth … about everything… and about how we feel about anything…I really don’t know…and talking about it didn’t help with the confusion ………….

...a first....

The day before yesterday I was driving....the usual crowd...not helping with the busyschedual....I was almost at ain shams university when something unbeleivable happened... We were four lanes...i couldn't proceed to the long space in front of me...because of the bus in front and to the right...its presence made my track narrower and there was no way i could force myself in...then...it happened...the car in front of me and to the left moved a little to the side giving me a safe space to go....I threw a glance but couldn't look for longer as my focus was on the bus...somehow I felt that the driver was someone that I know...may be that's why i was afraid to look...afraid to be disappointed if it turned out i was wrong...scared that...if i was right my friend wouldn't recognise me....or worse...know who i was and turn the other way...me who scans all the faces in the streets wondering why they all look like my friend and no one is truly the face that i miss....

...fighter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A20pGwqOcj0

They call it “liver” … as because of it we live …. It is an organ in our body… it takes away most of the toxins… the bad stuff … sometimes….it stops working…a failing liver doesn’t cause instant death… the person spends a good deal of his life in a state of chronic fatigue…loss of appetite…the color of the eyes and the skin become yellow ….then the patient starts bleeding…until one day everything ends… It is not for medical purpose that I say this ….it is because I knew someone who did suffer from a serious liver problem… a long time ago… when all the today treatment options were not available… a condition that coasted him his life eventually… but….somehow he managed to go leaving behind a legacy to cherish…and a life story to admire...despite everything he refused to surrender to the illness and to the depression…he went to rehearsals… he arranged for major performances…he trained and trained…he faced the audience who never noticed how tired he was… how thirsty he got that he always had a glass of water with him on stage… the audience that always kept asking him to repeat the parts of the song that they liked… I doubt that they had any idea about how much he was suffering… I watch him performing…I see how he smiles to the reaction of the crowd… how he smiles to his orchestra… and I say to myself… this must be the moment when he feels alive….he may not have the strongest voice… but he sure had the deepest and the strongest sense of what he was singing… I don’t feel sorry for him…. I admire him… because somehow he managed to live a lot longer than the days that counted for his age… the great :Abdel Haleem Hafiz

...........

I find it really amazing how people can open their mouth, and let the words come out, criticizing everything, judging everybody, suggesting more than one way to do the thing that you have just done, ways that are better than yours of course, and simply move on with their life never considering the effect of what they did on others… I used to say that they should think about all the possibilities… they should think why someone behaved in such a way before judging him… but I was wrong… and I take what I said back…. Because in fact, it is none of their business….