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...اعرفهم جيد....حاملي السلام و السعادة لكل من حولهم...مصدر الطاقة الايجابية.
جمعني القدر و واحد منهم ...اعرفهم....لاني...كنت يوما احد هؤلاء...لذلك اعرفهم جيدا...و اعرف ان ذلك لايعني بالضرورة ان بداخلهم سعادة تامة ..

و راحة كاملة...مجرد الفكرة مفزعة...

...احاول ان اعرف متي بالضبط هذا التحول...متي اصبحت ذلك الانسان المنعزل ...البعيد ...لابد انها تلك السلسلة المتواصلة من الاحباطات ...هي التي استهلكت  طاقتي و لم تترك سوي قدر بسيط...يكفي فقط ليجعلني اعيش في عالم مواز...حيت اتنفس..... .

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Kill ...

- if you were really going to do it .... you wouldn't have talked about it ...

- ...May be ...

- is it a cry for help ...

- ....i don't know ....

- you know i can't tell anyone you told me ... doctor patient privilege ...

- ... i know ... i have said this sentence a lot more than i can remember ...

- ... but if i think there is a threat ... i can break the privacy seal ....

- ... no ... no threat ....

- ... we are talking about murder here ....

- ... no we are not ... if the one i am going to kill is myself ...  once i am done ... no one would ask questions ... no one would bother you ... no one would notice ... i tried once before ... this time i make sure it will work ....

- ... i see you have a plan ....

- ......

- can it be postponed ?

- ... still worried about yourself ... you are right ... i shouldn't have talked about it ... i don't know why i felt that i should tell you ... so that you won't be surprised....

- ... you didn't want me to blame myself ?

- ... may be ....

- it is not about me Sara ... it is about you .... i am not trying to convince you to change your mind ... i know once you are on to something northing would stop you .... i am just asking you to postpone it ...

- ... why ....?

- because there is still a lot that i want to tell you ... and a lot that i want to hear from you ....besides you are my only patient for the moment ... and i kind of need the money ....

- .... i knew you were honest ... but i didn't know you were that honest ... ok ... fair enough ... till next week then ...

- .. till next week .....

transit...

... the present ...there is no time but the present... it is a lot easier to live on a short term base.. i look deep down inside myself.. i know my nature...i know that most probably "alone" is the best option...i know that i won't survive a lot..if i was with someone...
it is just that being lonely...hurts...yet...the answer to not being lonely ...is not being with someone...some people are so capable of making you feel a thousand times lonlier than if you were on your own...
....i stopped hoping a long time ago...and i started to let go...may be then my mind will be open enough to see...and know....and accept the truth...
....life is just a transit...longer than usual...and in a larger place than usual... in this place we meet people that make life bearable...this simply gets them a closer place to our heart...get them to pass through all the defences and the shells and the walls...get them in a place where they can easily hurt us...if they want to...or even if they simply decide to stop doing the very little things that they do...
it is confusing...but no matter how many times we think about...it is how we feel about it that takes the upper hand...and we take the risk...and live the moment...it is hard to turn down a good moment specially if it is the only good moment that ever happened...just like a point if light...resisting a darkness that we thought was endless and ever lasting....

once is enough ...

.... just once...you feel broken...frustrated ... you go to someone hoping he or she  might bring you justice ... and then ... with a heartless speech crushes your heart ...once .... just once .... you go through this scenario ... and it is enough to know that you should not .... you must not do this again ....that this person is not your person and never will be ...
just once is enough ....

i keep hearing about people going through different experiences ... falling apart... pulling themselves back together... trying once again ... well ... i have absolutely no idea how they can do that ... one shattering... painful experience is enough to know where to go... and where not to go... and when to stop ..

sometimes once is enough ... because i know ... if it happens again i will not survive it ...  

it is in my mind where the problem is ...

... in most of the time i can't identify ... what i feel ... from what i hope for... i keep building up ideas in my head ... ideas that have no solid evidence ... ideas that can't be ... and wish they were true... and somewhere along the way ... i lose my compass ... what i hope for is too good to be true ... things like this don't happen ... at least they don't happen to me ... and then comes the big question .. why not ? did i ever let anyone down? has anyone asked me for help and i said no? did i reject anyone before? did i ever let go?
then why? why do i end up so alone?
there must be something wrong with me ... something that i can't identify ... that i can't understand... why do i end up so unhappy ?
for now i know one thing that can make me happy ... yet ... i can't tell about it ... i don't have the right ... i can't ask for it ... again ... i don't have the right ... and i am so scared to pray for it ... i am so scared it will be like every time i prayed for something .. i am afraid the answer would be no ... may your will be done ...

" I "

" finish the non sense you are saying...i am listening just because i am polite''...yeah...a look can say all this...i heard it...

there is also..." i am truly surprised..''  and the " seriously i am working..." look...and the "i am in agony " look ... the " i care ..." look ...i heard all that ...and most true "i am happy ..." look ...that i saw ...just once ...in a black and white photograph...

mask off (2)...

....so...if silence is to be considered a mask ...then yes...i wear that mask a lot...the reason why doesn't matter...but if i start talking...then i mean what i say...no more no less...that's why i don't talk much..
and not with many....so let me rephrase...
if we are talking ...this means you get to see me without the mask....