I write… I am alive…

I should have chosen another name for my blog… I can’t write now… so you can imagine how it feels...and I can’t talk either… I have nothing to say…even the simple events of the day… I can’t tell or write about them…something is wrong… and don’t ask me what because I don’t know… if I knew I would have fixed it… may be it is the dream that I has last night… it felt so real… a dear friend was there…we could talk …and unlike all the dreams my voice came out and all I said was:” it is really you… you are here…then how come they say that you are gone… I missed you so much”…it was so great… until I woke up… …but soon I will forget… soon the mysterious brain chemistry will adjust itself and everything will be ok… and even if they don’t … I will adjust

…break….

…now is time when all the plans are arranged… when all the “to do lists” are written… …this summer holiday is going to be different… all the “pending” will be turned into “done”… every single moment will be fruitfully used… but then… why can’t I start…why can’t I even do the simple of the simple? Because nothing is really urgent… nothing “HAS TO BE DONE” …. It is not laziness …. It is not carelessness… it is a desperate trial to have a little relief and feel that I can truly do what I want… and that includes doing nothing….after all the MUSTS and the URGENTS… and the VERY VERY IMPORTANT…

collapse

… I can’t collapse now…. I can’t let go ….still a lot of unfinished stuff that need to be finalized…three stress points… may be four…and then most of the anxiety shall go away…or may be not…may be I will find something else to worry about…but then if it was by choice, why can’t I choose not to worry…why can’t I take myself away from the edge of panic…I can deal with the hand tremors… I can manage the shivering voice…and the weak speech flow…I just need a few waking moments away from the shadows of fear …. written on the 9th of may 2013

Trapped….

…seeing the different patterns of relationships between people… I found myself consumed by the most confusing one… at least for me… as people go through life … they get the chance to meet different people…. Some become friends… some simply part in a different path… and become a simple passenger or a passing by … and some go in their own way yet we can’t deny that they left a print … so right before they leave they say… let’s stay in touch… yet they don’t… and as time goes on… it becomes harder and harder to communicate… and when finally they decide to pick up the phone… they put it right back, wondering what exactly they backed off… is it the fear that they won’t be remembered? Well this seems to be a reasonable risk to take… if it would help them know that the person they care about is ok…most probably they feel that they don’t have the right to just hop on in someone else’s life and disturb its peace…. … it doesn’t matter … eventually they won’t do what they want ….

side mirrors

...there is no figure of speech here... i am going to talk about the side mirrors of my car... they happen to be very important... they show me all the speedy cars coming from behind and trying to overtake form either side, which makes me slow down to let them through... they also show me the mini bus that is coming closer and closer and simply hitting the side of my car...besides... everytime i take a quick glance, i see the red sun going lower and lower... destroying every bit of a plan that i had for the evening...not that they are fun plans... they are simply what needs to be done to prepare for the following day's work... so ... it can tell a lot ... the side mirror ...

if. ....

....I pull myself together...get dressed...and go out to do what needs to be done...if only you were with me, this walk would have been such a blessing...the same way beeing stuck in the car because of the crowded streets can be a blessing if you were sitting by my side...Is it really so? Or do I hate myself enough to make my happiness conditioned with something that would never happen?... I don't know... I just know that somethings will never happen...and sometimes there are nothing that can be done...and most of the times we don't have the right to do what we want...we just hope that somehow what we want to say can break through by any miraculous way...

Mystic river ...

..." eventually we get to know the truth...but in most of the times... after too late ..." no one can tell about this better than Clint Eastwood in his " Mystic river "... Three boys, Jimmy Markum, Sean Devine, and Dave Boyle, play hockey in a Boston street in 1975. Spotting wet concrete, they start writing their names into it when a car pulls up and two men, pretending to be police officers, get out, berate the boys for their actions, and tell Dave to get into the car. The men held Dave captive for four days, until he escapes. Twenty-five years later, the boys are grown and, while they still live in Boston, have drifted apart. Jimmy (Sean Penn) is an ex-con running a neighborhood store, while Dave (Tim Robbins) is a blue-collar worker, still haunted by his abduction. The two are still neighbors and related by marriage. Jimmy's 19-year-old daughter Katie (Rossum) is secretly dating Brendan Harris, a boy Jimmy despises. She and Brendan are planning to run away together to Las Vegas. Katie goes out for the night with her girlfriends and Dave sees her at a local bar. That night, Katie is murdered, and Dave comes home with an injured hand and blood on his clothes, which his wife Celeste (Harden) helps him clean up. Dave claims he fought off a mugger, "bashed his head into the concrete", and possibly killed him. Sean (Kevin Bacon), now a detective with the Massachusetts State Police, investigates Katie's murder. In a subplot, Sean's pregnant wife Lauren has left him. Over the course of the film, Sean and his partner, Sergeant Whitey Powers (Fishburne), track down leads while Jimmy conducts his own investigation using his neighborhood connections. Sean discovers that the gun used to kill Katie was also used in a liquor store robbery during the 1980s by "Just Ray" Harris, the father of Katie's boyfriend. Harris has been missing since 1989, but Brendan claims he still sends his family $500 every month. Brendan also feigns ignorance about Ray's gun but Sean believes it was still in the house. Sergeant Powers suspects Dave as a possible perpetrator because he was one of the last people to see Katie alive. He also has a wounded hand and, although he continues to tell his wife he got it while being mugged, he tells the police a different story – soon Jimmy becomes suspicious of it. Dave continues to behave strangely, which upsets his wife to the point she is afraid he will hurt her. While Jimmy and his associates conduct their investigation, Dave's wife eventually tells Jimmy about Dave's behavior, the bloody clothing, and her suspicions. Jimmy and his friends get Dave drunk at a local bar. When Dave leaves the bar, the men follow him out. Jimmy tells Dave that he shot "Just Ray" Harris at that same location for ratting him out and sending him to jail. Jimmy informs Dave that his wife thinks he murdered Katie and tells Dave he will let him live if he confesses; if he does not, Jimmy will kill him. Dave repeatedly tells Jimmy that he did kill someone but it was not Katie: he beat a child kidnapper to death Jimmy does not believe Dave's claim and threatens him with a knife. When Dave finally admits to killing Katie thinking he can escape with his life, Jimmy kills him and disposes of his body in the adjacent Mystic River. While Dave is being killed, Brendan (having found out about his father's gun during questioning) confronts his younger brother Ray Jr. and his brother's friend John about Katie's murder. He beats the two boys and threatens to kill them if they do not admit their guilt, but when John takes the gun and is about to shoot him, Sean and Powers arrive just in time to stop it. The next morning, Sean tells Jimmy the police have Katie's murderers – who have confessed. She was killed by Brendan's brother and his friend John O'Shea in a violent prank gone wrong: The kids got hold of Just Ray's gun and saw a car coming which happened to be Katie's. John aimed the gun just to scare her but the gun went off by accident. The car veered onto the curb and Katie got out and ran into the park. Silent Ray and John pursued her so she wouldn't tell anyone. The beating Katie received was from Silent Ray, who had a hockey stick. Once she was beaten, John shot her again, killing her. Sean asks Jimmy if he has seen Dave, because he is wanted for questioning in another case, the murder of a known child kidnapper. A distraught Jimmy thanks Sean for finding his daughter's killers, but says, "if only you had been a little faster." Sean asks Jimmy if he's going to "send Celeste Boyle $500 a month too?" Sean reunites with his wife and his daughter Nora, after apologizing for "driving her away". Jimmy goes to his wife, Annabeth (Linney) and confesses. She comforts him and tells him he is a king and kings always make the right decision. At a town parade, Sean sees Jimmy, and mimics shooting him, to let Jimmy know he is watching